My Big Fat Gay Wedding
by Hogwarts Dropout
Summary: Sev & Harry were asking for trouble when they told everyone about their relationship at the same time they announced their wedding, a week before the event! Drunk bridesmaids, plotting godfathers, and Professor Trelawney -final chapter added!
1. If that face grew on me, I'd cut it off

A/N: Okay, so I know I haven't done crap on my other fics, but I'm a bit burned out on them. I'll get to them eventually, just after I find my inspiration to do serious stuff again. For now this'll have to do. Kind of funny, kind of romantic, and kind of crazy. Hope you like it! brbr

b**My Big Fat Gay Wedding**/b

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"Sev! Look what I found!" Harry called from his position in the attic. A dusty box lay in front of him that hadn't been opened in many years. The pale face of his husband came into view as he climbed the short stairway to the attic. 

"What is it?" he grumbled in irritation at being disturbed from his reading. 

"It's the memory book from our wedding. I bet it's full of all kinds of things we've forgotten." Harry said as he lovingly stroked the cover. Severus rolled his eyes. 

"I haven't forgotten who was there, or where it was held, dear. What I can't remember is why I did it." He teased with a patented smirk. Harry paid him no mind as he opened the cover and was instantly overwhelmed with memories. 

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~ 

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"Harry, you can't do this. Snape is a two-faced, slimy, git!" Sirius protested for the millionth time as Harry carefully donned his white dress robes. Ron, who was slumped with defeat in the corner of the dressing room, groaned bitterly. 

"Oh, come now, Sirius. He's not two-faced. If he was, why on earth would he wear that one?" the redhead spat bitterly. Harry inwardly sighed. 

"You two are just about the worst bridesmaids I think anyone has ever had." Harry commented lightly with a smile on his face, hiding his inner exasperation with the two people he loved most in the world next to Severus. Sirius shot him a childish look that screamed 'I'm-about-to-throw-a-temper-tantrum." Ron huffed indignantly at being called a woman. 

"I'm not a bridesmaid. Besides, if I were, that would make you a blushing bride. And you aren't a blushing bride; you're a bloody insane one for marrying I_Snape_/I." Ron judged. This time Harry's sigh was audible as he straightened his robes with sweaty hands. 

"Listen you two, I know this was all fairly recent news, but do you think you could be a bit less frosty to Severus on our wedding day? I'd appreciate it." Harry said dryly. Sirius growled and resumed the pacing he'd been doing earlier. 

"That's a laugh. I couldn't warm up to Snape if we were cremated together." The enraged godfather muttered archly. In the corner, Ron began to fan his face as the color slightly returned. 

"Its not that I care that you're a fairy boy, bloke. I mean, I've flown for the other team before too, but you coming out I_was_/I a bit of a shock. It's just the fact that it's I_Snape_/I. He's oilier than a kerosene lamp!" Ron explained, sounding as though he was lying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. Harry gritted his teeth in an effort to remain calm. 

"I know you can't understand this, Ron, but I think he's handsome in a dark kind of way." He informed, his tone becoming a bit dreamy towards the end. Just thinking about Severus gave him all the strength he needed to handle Ron and Sirius at the same time. 

"You mean he's handsome in the dark!" Sirius raged, abruptly spinning on his heel and waving his arms emphatically as he thundered on. "He's mean, selfish, unfriendly, ugly, and yet, despite all that, there's still something about him that repels you." He was like a raging animal, all his hackles raised, baring his teeth and spitting saliva as he half screamed. Despite all this, Harry showed none of his hurt past a slight frown and a sad voice. He finally turned from the mirror to look his godfather in the eye. 

"Sirius, I know he's not your idea of handsome, but his face just kind of grew on me. Besides, I like him for what's on the inside." He said calmly. From the corner he heard Ron speak. 

"If that face grew on I_me_/I, I'd cut it off." Sirius was quick to add to it. 

"I'm sure he's full of goodness on the inside, Harry. Want to know why? Because he never lets it out!" Finally, unable to take the abuse on his lover anymore, Harry snapped. 

"I'm just glad Sev isn't as petty and juvenile as you two! Maybe I wouldn't have sought out more mature company if you two hadn't drove me to it with your incessant put-downs of other people and your narrow minded opinions of everyone!" With that, he stormed out of the dressing room leaving a furious Sirius and a snarky Ron. 

After he was gone, Sirius voiced with an annoyed air, "Quit moping around, Ronald. We've got a wedding to stop!" 

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Meanwhile, as Harry went to find some comfort with Hermione (who was by far more accepting and tolerant), Draco Malfoy was doing his best to wrestle with Severus' calm happiness. 

"But Severus!" He half whined, going so far as to stomp his foot (clad in the best dragonhide boots money could buy, of course). "You can't marry him! I absolutely refuse to let you do this to yourself! If you go through with this, I swear to Merlin I'll never talk to you again." The flustered blonde threatened. Severus merely smiled that strange little smile that had been hovering on his face ever since Harry had said "yes" to his passionate proposal of marriage. 

"Is that a promise, Draco? Because you're much prettier before you open your mouth." Severus responded automatically, obviously not carrying about his godson's protests. 

"I'll have you know that I'm gorgeous no matter… No. You aren't getting me off-topic. Don't you remember? This is the bane of our existence! We spend half our time talking about how much we hate him!" Draco tried to reason in a pleading voice. 

"Draco, you might not have noticed, but normally when you're talking to me, I'm not talking back." 

Draco, tapping his foot irritatingly with his hands on his slim hips continued on as if Severus hadn't said a word. "Don't you have anything to say?"

Severus sighed. He tuned Draco out and focused on his reflection. Well, he wasn't naked and he wasn't getting any younger (though that would have solved a great deal of his relationship problems). Interrupting Draco mid-tangent, Severus said with a soft smile, "I'm ready to get married, Draco. I'm glad I've lived long enough to make it to my own wedding." 

Draco was quiet for a moment before he gracefully descended into a nearby chair. After all, he was still a Malfoy, and Malfoy's never slumped or slouched. In a rare moment of honesty and emotion, he spoke. 

"Why, Severus? I don't understand. This marriage is doomed to fail." Turning to face his only relative left in the world; Severus shook his head and sat beside him. 

"If you were the one in my shoes today, I could see how the marriage would never work. But it's not you walking down the aisle. It's me, and I happen to love him very much. I can't say that we're not going to have problems, but I'm sure Harry will have enough optimism to pull the both of us through." He said with a twinge of humor in his voice. Draco resisted the urge to roll his eyes. 

"You could sell that to a greeting card company. Sappy cards by Snape. You'll make a fortune." He said waspishly, standing abruptly and striding out of the room. Severus wished his godson was more favorable towards the idea, but he had only known for a scant week. He'd come around. At this decision, that strange smile came back to his face as he headed for the front of the church. 

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~

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Ron certainly didn't like the idea of Harry marrying Snape, but he wasn't about to stoop so low as slipping Harry and Snape a potion that would make them doubt their vows to each other (it was a mute point anyway, because they would have probably ended up needing to borrow the ingredients from Snape). Nor was he willing to beat up Snape behind the back of the church (though this idea had more merit than the first one). He would do just as well to leave Sirius to his crazy machinations and go find somewhere to get secretly piss drunk before the actual ceremony. 

And the kiss. 

How in the hell was he supposed to be expected to stand at Harry's elbow and watch as his best friend, a boy that he had loved for years, gave himself to someone else? And that was the real heart of the matter. Although he didn't want Harry for himself as a lover, he certainly didn't want anyone else having him. Especially Snape. That comment Harry had made about his behavior being part of the reason that he went to Severus had hit him hard. Was he truly so lacking in his role as a best friend that Harry would turn to someone like Snape to spill his secrets so intimately that a physical love blossomed as result? Gods he needed some of Hagrid's firewhiskey, and he needed it quick. 

Besides, he knew how much alcohol he could stand. Whenever he could stand, he'd start drinking again. Problem solved. And Hermione said he turned to drink too often. He was perfectly logical and rational about it. 

For example, he wouldn't get drunk in the church in case someone stumbled in on him and took his booze. He'd go outside and get drunk behind the parked cars. Besides, Severus and Harry's was currently decorated in white foamy letters and waving condoms. If he got lucky with one of the other attending guests, he could just pluck protection off the shiny limousine. Yes, he needed to get drunk and screwed – hopefully in that order (and in the backseat of a car, because he did have some morals and doing all that in a church would have been pushing the envelope a bit. Somehow, the church parking lot was okay though). 

Draco had never been strung up so tightly with such a mess of emotions since he'd faced his father before he died. He'd gotten drunk then. He rarely indulged in alcohol, because he'd been told by Severus that he became a rather silly, ditzy drunk. However, under the current situation, and with so much champagne at the wave of a wand … it was sorely tempting. Besides, if Severus was going to make him stand at his stupid wedding, it was only fitting punishment for him that he'd be completely plastered. He could do it in the dressing room he'd just abandoned, as it had a lock and would be empty until the ceremony was over. With a plan in mind, he stalled for a bit of time and then backtracked to find the now vacant room. 

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bA/N: Uh oh! Sirius is plotting, Draco and Ron are getting drunk, and my inner eye tells me Professor Trelawney received an invitation to this crazy shindig! The plot thickens in the next chapter of "My Big Fat Gay Wedding"! Review if you liked it, it'll keep me encouraged : ) /b 


	2. Merlin's BALLS my name's SEVERUS!

The original plan had been to put Severus' guests on the right side of the church, and Harry's on the left. However, they nixed this plan on the day of the wedding when they realized Severus had about ten and Harry had about eighty or so. Then Sybil got up and moved to the other side of the church to sit by Lavender and Severus was down to nine.  
  
Harry, spotting the problem as he came to talk with Hermione, instructed the ushers (Neville, Seamus, and Dean) to balance it out a bit.  
  
Hermione looked completely flustered. She had planned a great deal of the ceremony, preferring to dwell on the robes and invitations rather than the particular couple.  
  
"Harry! I have no idea where Albus is! And the room we booked to have the reception in is the same one that a muggle family booked for their wake! There is a DEAD BODY lying on the table next to the Severus' groom cake!" Hermione ranted, her hair falling out of the elegant bun in agitated wisps. Harry stared at her blankly for a moment before he chuckled, placing his hands calmly on her shoulders to prevent her from exploding in a million different directions.  
  
"Calm down, Hermione. If worse comes to worse, be comforted by the fact that nobody will be very surprised that we decorated Severus' cake with a dead body. Put him in some Gryffindor robes and he'll fit right in." Hermione went crimson red and stalked off.  
  
"That was NOT funny, Harry James Potter!" She shouted over her back, no doubt going to deal with the church officials that had bungled the rooming assignments. Feeling confident she would solve the problem, Harry went back to focusing on his anticipation as he paced in the back of the church.  
  
Meanwhile, Albus was hung up in the Leaky Cauldron, where all the wizard guests that did not prefer to drive were using port keys to get to the church. Who was detaining him?  
  
Why, a quick thinking Godfather of course. And while Sirius chatted up Albus, a wizard that Sirius had paid twenty sickles was switching the port key to transport Albus to the wrong church. When Sirius saw the wizard slip out of the carefully guarded room (they wanted to keep the press out) he led Albus by the elbow into the room, smiling and pretending he was bursting with happiness for his Godson.  
  
"Well, I love Harry, and if this makes him happy, then it makes me happy too." He said while he activated a port key and handed it to the ornately dressed wizard.  
  
"That's very mature of you, Sirius. I'm proud of you." Albus said, his voice filled with fatherly pride at Sirius' good mood. "Aren't you coming along?" He asked before the port key activated.  
  
"I'm staying here until all the guests arrive." Sirius lied, waving politely at Albus disappeared. He rolled his eyes and picked up the properly set port key.  
  
"Sucker." He exclaimed while activating the port key that would take him back to the wedding.  
  
Meanwhile, Remus was looking for his lover. A quiet, unobtrusive Sirius was a Sirius that was shot with a tranquilizer. Worrying that his boyfriend had finally passed out from sheer horror, he began asking around.  
  
Sirius quickly put the rest of his plans into motion. He knew all about the mix up in the rooms (a surprise blessing that was just what he needed). He found the workers that had been called to move the casket out of the reception room. As he was dressed in black, the workers didn't doubt his word when he said he was one of the deceased man's relatives.  
  
"We've already had the wake, he's supposed to be taken to the main chapel for the ceremony. Don't bring him in for at least another hour though, they're still setting up the room." He informed in a somber, informed tone. The workers thanked him for making sure they knew what was going on, as no one else seemed to care to tell them. Sirius nodded and looked at the body. He wiped a fake tear from his eye and sniffled for the full affect. It was a shame though, he would have made an excellent centerpiece for Severus' table.  
  
Just as the workers left with the body, Hermione burst in. She looked around, seeing the absence of the body with great relief. Her look immediately became suspicious as she recognized Sirius lingering in the back of the reception room.  
  
"Sirius!" She intoned shrilly. "You're supposed to be in the chapel! What are you up to? And where's the corpse?" She asked suspiciously. Sirius glared, knowing just what to say.  
  
"They took the corpse to the right room. Remus sent me to find his camera. He said he left it in here when he came in earlier to see the decorations. I told him I'd come get it as long as he promised that Snape didn't show up in any of the pictures." Sirius trailed off, inwardly pleased when Hermione had believed his story and nodded at him absently.  
  
"Well, after you take him his camera, you better get to the chapel or else I'm going to see to it you have to sit on Severus' side." She threatened, knowing that Sirius would cause mischief if he was left on his own without supervision.  
  
Ron found the alcohol easy enough and began to drink behind the happy couple's magical limousine. The fluttering condoms seemed to compliment the mood he was in, though he had no idea why. By the time Draco ambled out into the parking lot, after being kicked out of Severus' dressing room by an agitated church worker, Ron was thoroughly drunk and currently amusing himself by blowing up the condoms like balloons.  
  
As though it were completely normal, Draco joined Ron on the asphalt parking lot and began making a few condom balloon animals of his own.  
  
But, as everyone knows, blowing up condom balloons is one of the quickest ways to become horny out of your mind. Too busy to worry about consequences in their inebriated state, Draco and Ron made use of the back seat of the limousine.  
  
Well, they made use of it until Ron couldn't figure out how to untie the knot in the condom that held the air in. Draco wanted to tell the moron to just get one that they hadn't blown up with air, but Ron would hear none of it and was adamant that they wouldn't go any further until they'd undone the knot in the condom.  
  
After thirty seconds of drunken attempts to untie the condom balloon, Ron finally said, "What the hell," and pounced on Draco like a starved man would a leg of chicken.  
  
They didn't use protection, which was entirely too bad because male pregnancy among two pureblooded wizards wasn't too uncommon.  
  
Nine months later, when Draco had swollen ankles and a set of twins on the way, he would curse Severus and Harry for having their damned wedding. Ron would laugh at him, and lovingly ruffle his mused blonde hair, commenting that he was beautiful when he was pregnant, even more so because it wasn't Ron himself that was packing the little bundles of joy.  
  
But that was nine months later, and a completely different story.  
  
Harry stood in the back of the chapel finally beginning to get a bit worried. Albus hadn't shown up, and they were already running almost an hour late. Hermione was shedding in human form, a nasty trait she'd picked up ever since she became a cat animagi in their seventh year. Sirius was acting moody and angry as he sat with Remus in the front row, not giving anyone any reason to question him about Albus' lateness. Inwardly, he was chuckling maniacally. He wasn't a Marauder for nothing.  
  
Severus, meanwhile, realized that both best men were nowhere to be found. He mentioned it to Remus, who told Minerva, who alerted Filius, who kindly offered to go find them.  
  
Poor little guy would never be the same after that.  
  
Finally, after the instrumentalists said they had to leave shortly, Hermione swept to the front of the church, strands of her hair drifting off behind her.  
  
"Albus is obviously not going to make it on time. Is there anyone else here who is authorized to perform the ceremony?!" She half shouted, looking quite deranged.  
  
To everyone's horror, Sybil Trewlaney stood up with a dramatic swirl of her fuchsia robes.  
  
"My dear girl, I thought you'd never ask! I predicted my talents would be necessary." She trailed off in her smoky voice. Before Hermione could protest, she was up at the front of the chapel shoving Hermione onto the bench.  
  
Just then, Filius scooted back into the church with a beet red face and two very drunk best men behind him. At the sight of them, Severus lost the unnatural feeling of happiness that had engulfed him since the start of his wedding day. Sweeping down the aisle like the famous overgrown bat out of hell, he quite nearly lifted both men by the backs of their robes and dragged them down the aisle. Remus jumped up to help Severus get them standing, and eventually they had to prop Draco up with the alter. Ron was grinning from ear to ear, and eventually someone on the front row pointed out to him that his pants were unzipped. Ron only drew attention to it by fumbling with his zipper for a few minuets and letting out a long stream of curses before loudly declaring it impossible. Mr. Weasley, red to the roots of his hair, furiously waved his wand and fixed Ron's problem.  
  
Not willing to wait for any more disasters, Harry nodded to the orchestra ensemble and walked determinedly down the aisle. He was going to be happy at his wedding no matter WHAT happened.  
  
Ron waved energetically to him and shouted at him,  
  
"Harry! Old chum, old buddy, old friend .um. old chum again. Come on down! We're all down here! Quit spinning around like that!" Harry only made his fake smile wider and kept walking determinedly. He locked eyes with Severus and refused to look anywhere else.  
  
From the back of the church, Hagrid began to sob. Loudly. He completely drowned out the music. He drowned out Sybil, but, as Minerva commented later, that probably wasn't such a bad thing. Nevertheless, Arabella Figg hastily sent a silencing charm his way.  
  
"FRIENDS!" Sybil began with a loud, dramatic beginning. "We have gathered, as I have predicted, to join Seamore and ."  
  
"Severus! My name's Severus!" the agitated groom hissed at her. The woman turned her buggy eyes on him, blinked owlishly, and then returned to her speech.  
  
".To join Simon and Harry in what I have already predicted will be a short and grim marriage. I consulted my inner eye this morning, and there can be no mistake that Harry will most certainly die, and Sergio will sadly be eaten by the Giant Squid. Therefore, this marriage is to death! DEATH I SAY!"  
  
As if on cue, the church workers slowly brought in the corpse.  
  
"Oh for the love of Lockhart!" Severus exclaimed exasperated, dropping Harry's hands and collapsing into a nearby pew with his hands massaging his temples.  
  
Draco slid off the alter and would have hit the floor, but Harry quickly caught him and prevented the fall. Trewlaney saw the corspe, and saw Harry catch Draco, and went off on a tangent.  
  
"It is as the inner eye has revealed! Death and disloyalty even now! Look upon your bride, Samuel! He is already in the arms of another man!"  
  
"SEVERUS, WOMAN! Merlin's BALLS, my name is SEVERUS!!!!"  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long guys, but it's hard to write humor. You can expect two more chapters to this before it's done, and hopefully they won't be as late as this one! Thanks to all who reviewed!  
  
(shameless plug)  
  
Go read my new McGonagall/Hooch fic! If you don't mind the lesbian pairing, you'll like it, I promise! 


	3. Martial Bliss

A/N: Sorry! I haven't had a computer for the past two months!

**My Big Fat Gay Wedding**

**Chapter 3**

Harry, having had quite enough of his wedding being turned into a circus, became quite irate. 

And, as Voldemort would be the first to tell you, an irate Harry was not a fun Harry. 

"Severus, for god's sake man, are you a potions professor or not? Don't you have something in that silly belt of yours to fix them?!" Harry whispered harshly at Severus, who was still trying to block out everything out with his hands. At that suggestion, Severus revealed himself again and looked highly surprised. 

"Actually, I think I do." He exclaimed. Severus pushed his robe and vest aside to reveal the slim black belt he never left home without. He turned slightly, so that Harry could grab the right jar. 

"It's the blue one, third from the left." He instructed. Harry plucked it out of his belt and quickly went over to Ron. Hermione was arguing with the church workers about the body, Sybil was off on one of her tangents, and the orchestra was leaving. 

Harry made Ron swallow half of the little bottle and watched as his eyes cleared and he came back to his senses. He then blushed to the roots of his hair when he remembered what he'd just done. Draco soon joined him. Except, as usual, he was more verbal about it. 

"You touched me! How DARE you!" the petite blonde raged, jabbing a finger into Ron's chest. Harry waved his hand and the two of them separated, flew to the right places, and stayed there frozen. Literally. Draco was still trying to move his mouth and found he couldn't move anything. He couldn't even blink. Then, with another wave from Harry, unnatural smiles spread over both of their faces. Harry levitated the body and the workers out of the church, closing the doors harshly behind them. He appeared to be concentrating very hard, raised his hand, and pulled an invisible zipper down through the air. Everyone gave him strange looks until the rip opened to reveal another church. Harry reached a hand through the tear, grabbed a fistful of Albus's robe, and yanked him though the rip. 

"Why hello Harry! I was just asked to speak for that poor man's eulogy and I didn't have a clue who he was!" The old man said with a big smile. Harry, however, still had a tight lipped scowl. Just as efficiently, he zipped up the tear again. With one more wave of his hand, Sybil suddenly found herself sitting in the front row with a powerful silencing charm over her mouth. 

"We're ready, Albus." Harry hissed. He did that. When he got extremely angry he always ended up talking in Parseltongue. Taking a deep breath and making himself calm down, he tried again. "We're ready, Albus." It came out in English. 

Harry stubbornly took his place and arched an eyebrow at Severus, who was still sitting dumbfounded in the pew. Everyone knew Harry was probably the most powerful wizard of their time, but they'd never seen anyone do wandless magic like that. 

"Well, Severus, care to join me?" Harry bit out, gesturing to the spot opposite him and consequently transporting Severus there. Severus looked afraid. So did everyone else. 

Except Albus, of course. 

"Marriage!" He began, "It is a wonderful blessing and a rare gift for a person to find someone that they love so deeply that they wish to spend the rest of their years with them." 

A church worker came back in. He looked uncomfortable to begin with, but nearly melted to nothing when Harry turned his glare on him. Severus was looking like Harry was a volatile potion that was about to explode any second. He kept taking small steps away from him. 

"I…um…just thought you should know that someone just drove off in the limousine out front. Its door was wide open and some guy hopped out of a white van, got in, and drove off like a bat out of hell. He crashed it into another car though, and so he's trying to make off with the luggage in the back. We called the police." 

Harry let out an extremely frustrated sound, and stormed down the aisle (the benches scooted forcefully out of his way as he passed and the doors flung open with a loud bang). There was silence for a few moments and then a terrible screeching noise, as if a white van was being pulled in the opposite direction it was driving, pierced through the church. It started raining heavily outside. 

There was some loud shouting, sounds of a struggle, and then silence. Severus was looking torn between hiding behind a pew or going out to see if Harry needed help. 

He appeared in the doorway, completely soaked through, with a bloody nose and a bloody fist, and a bunch of soggy luggage floating after him. It dropped with several splatting sounds in the back of the church. Once again, Harry marched up the aisle. As he went, he snatched up the bouquet he'd discarded. Unfortunately, the minuet he picked it up the flowers shriveled to black and then caught fire. Severus gulped and took a more noticeable step back away from the alter. Albus only smiled benignly with that twinkle set to full force. 

When Harry was back in place, blood dripping from his nose onto the white gown, his bloody fist now burned as well, Albus began again. 

"Where was I – oh yes – Marriage!" He started. Harry rolled his eyes and spat out, 

"Just skip to the vows, old man!" Dumbledore looked surprised, then a bit offended. Harry only began muttering curses under his breath. 

"Harry, do you take Severus to be your-"

"Yes. Hurry it up, I'm bleeding to death." 

"And, Severus, do you take Harry," Harry shot Severus a furious green glare. 

"Yes, yes Albus." He rushed to agree. Harry looked a bit pacified.

"Do we have rings?" Albus asked with a sidelong glance to Draco and Ron. Harry glared at Ron until Severus gently reminded him that he'd frozen them. Harry sighed in agitation, and waved his hand again. 

"Gib me the ring, Ron." His voice altered because of his broken nose. 

"Sure, Harry. I have it right – here." He pulled his pocket out only to reveal a hole large enough for the silver band to slip through. Harry's glare became so intense that his eyebrows couldn't stand the pressure anymore. Instead of fury, he looked like he was about to cry. Quickly Severus pulled his wand out. 

"Accio wedding ring!" He said. The band came flying from out in the parking lot, narrowly missed taking Fred's head off, and zoomed into Severus's outstretched hand. He slid it on his ring finger quickly and motioned agitatedly for Draco to give him Harry's. The blonde quickly forfeited it, when he realized that Harry's 'mad' look was returning. Severus started to put it on Harry's hand, and then remembered the flowers and hesitated. He caught Harry's eye and arched an eyebrow. The raven-headed bride huffed angrily and held his hand out. Severus dropped the ring in his hand where the metal immediately heated up. Harry winced and dropped the ring, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms angrily over his chest. Casting a quick look to the wedding band that Harry had heated to a boiling red with just a touch, Albus spoke again. 

"If anyone protests this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace." Immediately, Harry pinned his glare on his Godfather, who had his mouth open. Slowly, Sirius closed it. "Then, Severus, you may now kiss your husband." Severus cast one look at the blood dribbling all down Harry's face and reached for his wand. Harry just growled low in his throat, and stalked out of the church, calling over his back, 

"Oh just forget it! I now pronounce theeb husband and husband. Etc. Etc." Once again, the doors opened with a loud bang for him and closed soundly behind him.

The smile returning to his face, Albus added. 

"Everyone can now step to the next room over for the wedding reception!" 

Gratefully, the audience got out and hurried to the adjoining room. Draco and Ron at least managed to look ashamed of themselves. 

"I'm sorry, Severus. I was a prat." Draco said haltingly. Ron nodded his head vigorously in agreement. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. You'll tell Harry we apologize, right?" Without waiting for a reply from the glowering potions master, the two men streaked off for the reception, leaving Severus to look dubiously towards the opposite door that Harry had left through. Albus patted him merrily on the shoulder and left him alone in the chapel. Running a hand over his face and mentally steeling himself, Severus started to follow after his husband. The gold band on the floor caught his attention and he quickly used a spell to cool it. He gingerly picked it up off the ground and left the chapel. 

Severus found Harry in the changing room, bloody white robes and his under shirt in a heap on the floor. His face was hidden in his arms, but Severus didn't think he was crying. Quietly, he crept up along side him and ran a hand down his back. He didn't look up. Mentally sighing, he tugged his heavy, dark green robes off and tossed them into the pile. His black vest and green silk tie came next, until he was only in his white dress shirt. Feeling much more comfortable, he sat down and pulled Harry onto his lap. The wet mop of black hair instantly tucked itself under his chin and familiar arms wrapped around his torso. It appeared that Harry had already fixed his nose and hand. He was still wet and cold though. Severus rubbed his back comfortingly and groped for the robes he'd just discarded. He tugged the material around Harry's shoulders. 

"That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. I'm never going to face those people again. We're moving somewhere where I won't have to listen to them laugh about this mess for the next couple of years." Severus smiled and started to kiss Harry's forehead. Quickly, Harry pulled away. "Oh no. Our first kiss as a married couple isn't going to be a peck on the forehead." He said accusingly. Severus only chuckled and captured his lips. It was sweet and loving, slow and gentle. Harry felt tears trickling down his cheeks and didn't care. This was how it was supposed to be. 

When they broke apart, Harry tucked his face into Severus's neck. 

"I love you, Harry. You're an insufferable brat, but I love you." Severus whispered, that little smile coming back to his face. Harry's shoulders shook but Severus couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying. "You forgot this." He said gently, pulling the gold band out of his pocket. Harry cuddled in closer to him and looked at the ring warily. Severus only rolled his eyes. "It's too late to say no now. You're stuck with me. Might as well get some nice jewelry for your trouble." He said dryly. Harry giggled despite himself and held his hand out. Reverently, Severus slid it on his finger, bringing the hand up to his lips. 

"I guess it wasn't so bad. We've seen worse." Harry whispered. 

"Well, we're still alive and the wedding wasn't interrupted by the return of the Dark Lord, so I suppose that's all we can really ask for." 

"I can ask for one more thing." 

"What's that?" Severus asked. 

"That we skip out on the reception and floo straight to the hotel. I didn't want to ride in the limousine anyway." Harry asked. Severus smiled and squeezed his husband's hand. 

"All right, we'll elope for the honeymoon. Besides, I spent a small fortune on all that food so I doubt they'll even notice we're not there." He agreed. Harry leaned in for another kiss before he stood up, extending his hand to Severus. 

"Mexico, here we come." Harry said with a mischievous little grin. 

The two of them changed and fetched their bags from the chapel, eager to start their lives together. 

~

"I'm probably the only happily married man that can say he hated his wedding." Harry said as he flicked through the pictures, all compliments of Colin Creevy. There were photos of all the guests, laughing and re-telling the story of the wedding from hell at the reception. There were photos of them standing at the alter, Harry bleeding and Severus looking completely out of his element. There weren't any photos where the two of them were together and smiling. 

Severus, who had come to look over his shoulder, smirked arrogantly. 

"Just because I made it up to you on the honeymoon." 

"Until we fell asleep drunk and nude on the beach and you woke up completely burned the next afternoon. I got a nice tan though. Didn't have lines for the rest of the trip." Severus grunted. 

"I didn't have _skin _for the rest of the trip. But, at least we made it through both ordeals without one of us going into labor, which is more than I can say for Draco and Ron." Harry grinned. 

"Well what do we have here? It appears to be an album full of the pictures I took when we babysat the twins while Ron and Draco went on their belated honeymoon." 

"A good lesson was learned from that." 

"Which was?" Harry prompted.

"The hell if I know. I cast obliviate on myself after the horrid thing was over to spare myself the pain of even having to _remember_ it." Harry got an evil grin. 

"Well _I_ remember. The trouble all started two hours into the job when one of them managed to get into your potions cabinet . . ."

Ta Da! The End. 

Or is it? 

Most likely. 

Yeah. It's the end. 

Thanks to all who reviewed, hope it made you smile!


End file.
